Happy Holidays you bastard

it has been four months now since i left the old house in makati. i never planned on returning. i am torn. i feel torn.

i always wanted to have nothing to do with anyone especially my clan. do not mistake it for hate. because i do not hate them. i just do not like having the responsibility... no.. the obligation to do their bidding, to live by their rules, to listen to their reprimanding, even if i do owe them my life.. my life and much more.

i always wanted to live like a vagabond, wandering through life. going to places. having time for myself. being my own master. but i guess i have to earn all of that first. or at least the money to spend on my "adventures", on my "accidents".

but why is it. everytime i see a real family.. a family who looks like they love each other.. why is it i hurt? am i lonely? why is it i feel unloved? why is it i feel forsaken? why do i suddenly feel envy. why do i want to feel something similar.. even superficial?

all my life.. or at least as far as i can remember, i have always seemed.. cold, and unfeeling. i have always seemed independent, especially of my parents(or at least my father because i lost my mother when i turned five) i do not show feelings.. no emotion not even anger. i do not show.. i make sure nobody sees. but.. i feel. even if i did not want to.

i cannot count the number of times i convinced myself that i am happy alone and i hate being mushy and shit... but why is it when i am alone? why do i cry?

why is it i show no tears when i am wounded? even if the pain is tearing me apart?

wtf is wrong wif mi?????