Beyond Words

A new layout is on the way

2007-05-11T22:08:00.000+08:00

but i fuckin can't seem to get the colors/opacity and the images quite good enough.

i wanna die.

The Tikoy Plate

2007-05-09T17:25:00.000+08:00

is in its beta stages

feel free to drop by

The Plate

Patronizing me

2007-05-07T12:50:00.000+08:00

can pls stop patronizing me.

i am not as great as that woman okay!

the more you expect from me the more i fail.

just tell me the truth and don't cover it with bits and pieces of candies and chocolates..

i have anger management issues.

lay offa mi!

Kawawa naman si tk...

2007-05-05T22:53:00.000+08:00

Phone rings.

Ciel: hello
Riot: si tk?

Ciel: andun sa labas kausap ni uncle dong, nag aaway sila kanina eh
Riot: ah okay, sige hayaan mo n lng mag bonding ung mag ama muna.

Ciel: kawawa naman si tk pinapagalitan ata nila.
Riot: ...

Ciel: ...
Riot: hindi si tk kawawa. sila ang kawawa kay tk.

all i can say is

O RLY?

What you always wanted

2007-05-03T22:21:00.000+08:00

fine then, i always have no say in the matter. i always will be the one to blame. i will never be happy.

goodbye.

Gray Matter

2007-04-30T23:34:00.000+08:00

Its hard when you have to live up to the expectations of society.

Why do have to comply with what others want you to?

Who wrote the rules anyway and why must you live by them?

why is it hard to walk down the street holding the hand of the one you love and not worry about anyone giving you the eye.

why are people quick to judge? and why should they care either?

is life too boring that you have to talk about other people too? is life too uneventful that you feel the need to judge every single person that walks past you?

man.. you should get a life.

The CSS zen garden

2007-04-29T10:23:00.000+08:00

i have always been defiant. Stubborn. Won't take no for an answer. But it has to stop. I need to ace CSS and web. I'd rather be a creator. I take joy in creation. I take pride in creating. I want to be a designer. No.. I am a designer. An artist. It took a lot of pushing to get me to accept that there is no other better form of expression than pictures. Its all about how you present your ideas.

I must learn CSS. Must learn CSS...

NOOOOOO.. i must ace css...

this.. inspired me the most.

i know i want to make something like this.

and CSS will help me. of course i need to brush up on other skills too but mainly, this was made with CSS. so i am hopeful.

Math exams

2007-04-27T17:12:00.000+08:00

i went out to attend an exam at an office i'm applying at. and surprisingly enough, not really but still... the exam given to me was a big fucking math problem.. ten big fucking math problems. it wasn't hard or anything cause they let us use calculators but i found it weird. i have applied for different jobs before and not nice was i faced with math problems. but i guess this is how they gauge their potential employees.

in 20 minutes, 5 minutes less than the required time, i was able to complete the exam and i'm confident with the answers i gave them. i was interviewed again by one of their HR people and she told me that someone would call me on monday to give me the results of my application. if they forget to contact me, then i'd probably just have to text wendy for the results.

4pm i'm home already, just in time. Because a few minutes after that, it rained. and it still is.

The one who held the storm

2007-04-27T00:39:00.000+08:00

after the job interview i was scheduled for, i went straight to the place where my boyfriend stays. i know he's busy with the web layout he needs to refine but i went there anyway, just cause he said its alright and i don't really have much to do here. plus the fact that in spite of everything, i do miss him.

i've been on this diet plan for more or less two weeks now and i have been faithfully following the doctor's orders. but, for some weird turn of events, i partook a few "controlled substances" today. i had a slurpee and some ginger ale.

it was weird because on the way to 7-11, two women walked up to me and asked me if they could just borrow some time and invite me to their newly opened saloon for a free sample of their services. on normal days, i would have loved to go there but i was on an errand: i was tasked to buy some slurpee cause the house is too damn hot and we need to cool ourselves a little.. (personally if it were my house, i would have loved to just prance around in my undies, but it wasn't my house and i was wearing a long sleeved black shirt a black skirt and a pair of knee socks. uh, yeah.. i was wearing that to my job interview and passed hahaha!) so i went off bought slurpee (which i took down even before i got back to his place cause it was a really really hot day. so that's how i got hold of the first "controlled" substance for that day. a few hours later, he was hungry. he went out to get some "food" but, he brought back a liter of ginger ale and some chips. yes! i had some potato chips too! now i wanna kill myself.

as i was hanging out with him, of course i'd talk, i can't just sit there and stare at the computer. somehow, the conversation got to a part where i'm dead and needs an epic burial. it was time to go home. night has fallen. so i went back here. i asked him a very big favor, that when i die, i want him to bury me.

i'll bury you in the highest hilltop;
and make a shrine;
"here lies the one who held the storm"

Beyond Words

2007-04-24T11:11:00.000+08:00

"he recognized her from the past. her hair cut short. her clothes all black. a witch, perhaps, could help where a goddess could not."

there was a time when a mortal man stumbled upon a goddess. the creature was neither intimidated nor scared of the greatness of the woman. maybe it was her eyes.. maybe it was her voice.. or maybe.. just maybe because she was living inside a cage. the creature visited her everyday telling her of stories outside. she listened, sang her share of stories. agreed. disagreed. argued. they became friends nonetheless..

she always stood by the the tiny window in her prison of gold. waiting. anticipating, when will he arrive? when will i hear his stories again. of life. of love. of death.. one day he came carrying a huge axe. the goddess was taken aback by his appearance, hostile it seemed.. but he gently asked her to move aside. so she took a step back and watched as he destroyed the lock. strangely enough, she felt something. which was strange, because her kind, do not feel. she did not have much time to think either as he grabbed her hand and took her away. she was free. he freed her. then she stumbled and fell to the ground. he stopped and looked at her. weak. defenseless. she stared at him pleading - "help me get up" but he was in such a hurry that he left without her. his village was burning and he thought the goddess could help him. but seeing her fall to the ground, asking him for help.

his faith waver. so he walked. to the east. and found a woman sitting by a rock. he recognized her from the past. her hair cut short. her clothes all black. a witch, perhaps, could help where a goddess could not. he walked to her and spoke in a loud voice. then he noticed.. she was crying. he tried to comfort her forgetting about his burning village and the goddess. then an ogre came. he tried to defend the witch but she pushed him to the ground to greet the ogre with a kiss. and then he realized what just happened..

he remembered his village.. he remembered the fallen goddess. he ran back and was surprised to see his village still intact. shaken.. but nonetheless safe. his friends from the village greeted him and told him they managed to put the fire out by themselves. a few houses burned but fortunately, no one died. he was so happy that he ran back to the golden cage where he usually talks to the goddess about his life and his village.. but found it shattered and broken. he then remembered that he took her out of that cage. they ran.. but she fell down.. and now.. her cage.. it wasn't really a cage to keep her locked in.. it was a cage to keep everyone else locked out.. that she may be safe from all harm and that she be kept clean from all the filth of the world. he went looking for her..

she wasn't hard to find.. he knew she was weakened.. so she couldn't have gone far. and there she was just beyond the hill east of the village, not far from where he met the witch and the ogre. he hardly recognized her.. her clothes were dirty, her face as dirty.. but as he approached.. she saw him.. and the faintest smile appeared on her lips. he called out to her but she did not answer. he ran towards her and her eyes lit up with joy at seeing an old friend. he talked and talked and talked about what happened to him.. but she did not say a word. he thought she hated him.. for leaving. he thought she forgot him.. when he left.. but, she did not. he knew she had a lot to say... but how could she? she has lost her voice.

Procrastination

2007-04-22T21:45:00.000+08:00

Is an art. I thought I have perfected that art a long time ago.. but it seems to me i need more training.

Delaying the inevitable, life.. death.. and despair, that's procrastination.

Here's the product of my procrastinating.. or is it? Although i do have reasons why I was unable to finish this today, i won't go into them and blame them.. I'd just have to accept this defeat for now.

It's just sad.. I won't go into depression.. or at least I'd never admit it. I do want to be liked by people despite my best efforts to make the world think I HATESssSSss it.

I desperately need friends.. But I'm just too cynical right now to trust people i just met.

Technical support continued~

2007-04-21T14:42:00.000+08:00

When they said they'd come back here today, i didn't think it would be early in the morning.. but then again i am relieved that its over and done with. They replaced the old usb modem with a (hybrid) usb/ethernet modem and i can browse the internet again in this computer.. plus i can finally TRY to configure the wireless router so we can shared the internet anywhere within the house.

Leenie and i were doing some (spring?) cleaning.. well, actually, we're just tidying up her room. something we've been meaning to do since she got back from med school (only to go back there a few days from now for internship).

In the midst of all the chaos i am working on a project, something i always wanted to learn but never had the patience to - 3d modeling. this is technically my first 3d model (since, i've only been editing the others). i haven't really done much since for the first few hours.. okay.. days.. i was still trying to learn the concept of 3d and so far, i'm treating it like modeling clay.. a digital sculpture. i know its not much but, i am proud of it. i mean.. someone i don't know said "its better than most n00bs' work" "did she have a reference picture?" and stuff like that, which i took as a compliment. haha! it sounded like one anyway. the software i used here (as you can see in that picture) is no where near 3d studio max. i found 3dsmax too intimidating to learn so i found this (japanese) 3d modeling software, easy to learn, not too many buttons to press, not too intimidating.. plus.. its frikin candy colored ^_________^ its called metasequoia i'm not going to elaborate how i came upon this wonderful toy.. anyway, i just stole a little time to go online and take a break from all that chaos in the other room.

i'll be posting updates later. busy busy.. hahahahaha!

i know you can be an asshole sometimes, but i do miss you, you do know that, right?

Technical support isn't too helpful

2007-04-20T18:39:00.000+08:00

Globelines just left the house an hour ago and it pisses me that they weren't able to fix the problem. On the contrary, they made the situation worse. The doofuses (for lack of a better word) uninstalled the modem driver for the desktop pc and tried to connect it using the modem they brought with them.. after trying several modems, none worked and since all else failed they just opted to hook up this laptop to painfully slow internet (better than nothing i guess) and leave their "test" modem here as a temporary solution, they're coming back here tomorrow and i hope they'll be able to fix the darned connection.

i'm so damn pissed at the quality of technical support these local companies have, i mean we are paying subscribers.. and mind you, we're not on the "affordable" plan either.. we're on the fastest possible local subscription and it makes me sad that the kind of service they give is less than half-assed.

now i'm behind schedule. tough chance being able to finish 2 moogle meshes...

fuck this connection..

I know you know everything

2007-04-14T20:29:00.000+08:00

Now I'm lying on the table
with everything you said
keeping mind the way that it felt
when the most I could do was to just blame myself

Soul searching.. again?

2007-04-13T16:53:00.000+08:00

i'm going to a place i haven't seen for years now. and no it is not my house. i'm going to visit a sister. a sister i never really appreciated until now. i have a lot to ask. but somewhat scared of the answers.

i need friends. in spite of me. in spite of what i say. in spite of what i show.

soul searching? i have searched for far too long.. maybe i should just stop. and accept that this.. what i have become.. however monstrous i seem to be.. this is still me.

i want to go back to that day.. i miss that day.

ComeBack of the Year

2007-04-12T18:06:00.000+08:00

i can't believe i fukin passed out sa van on the way home from alabang.

i guess hunger really makes you do that.

i went to that godam place to apply for a job. arrived 9am waited and waited for the results.. then finally 4pm they tell me i didn't pass the exam..

great... just great..

then i go online just to be reminded of how insignificant i am..

mocked at how low they think of me.

wasted...

i'm just wasted.

Taking Back Saturday

2007-04-10T12:46:00.000+08:00

two more weeks and my foot is in the door

i can't sleep...

Dying to Reach you

2007-04-07T13:57:00.000+08:00

in a year.. i might have to stop.

for now.. i am thankful.

emotional investments do cripple one's ability to act decisively and shit.. but i still do it anyway.

My Sacrifice

2007-04-06T14:56:00.000+08:00

i was busying myself with an old game: Final Fantasy Tactics Advance. And surprisingly enough i enjoy it more than the other FFTactics game I used to play.... Maybe because I have playable MOOGLE characters in FFTA.

=^o^= Kupo!

And here we are Holy Week.. Good Friday no less.. And I am finally online after a couple of weeks... I am getting tired my blog layout and I feel like making a new one... Although I am n00b with CSS I am learning.. Its not that hard.. guuhhh.. I am a programmer after all.. in spite of what I say.. or do.. I CAN program.

I'm waiting for devart to finish up their maintenance work on the site then I'd be able to upload the "new look" I want for the blog. 'Cause frankly, black.. dark.. it's not me.. not right now.

I'm feeling kupo today! The irony..? Good Friday? Not really, I always believed that we should be happy during Holy Week, because if not for it.. we'd all have been burning in hell by now.

So I say, be happy!

Remember the dead... But fight.. For the LIVING!

Make damn sure

2007-03-28T13:26:00.000+08:00

"i just wanna break you down so badly.."

"in the worst way"

If you keep asking me...

2007-03-06T14:40:00.000+08:00

I'll melt away in summer air~

It has been really really annoyingly hot recently. Airconditioning just won't cut it.

I need to go to the New World.. haha.. beats rf any day. But still can't live up to World of Warcraft.

Betray!

Denial: Maybe that's a lie~

2007-02-28T19:52:00.000+08:00

My cousin just won the singing contest at this medical school. And I was there. Personally, I think she should have won first place instead of second. The voting part made her lose. She did not bring enough people to cast votes for her, but for the most part... at the very least, the people who know what they're talking about (a.k.a. the judges) think she is the best out there. She sang a particularly old song: Time and Tide by Basia And hell yeah she was the best out there in that school.. although it did not surprise me that a PROFESSOR won the first place. HAHA.. he brought his entire class to support him there so its no surprise that he'd win the contest :)

But all that... doesn't mean a thing.. at least to me.. (except maybe for the cash prize) If you did not beat everyone else.. you're still a LOSER. There's no such thing as second place winners.. only the first placer's LOSERS. On that note.. don't challenge me if you're not gonna give your all. You're gonna lose. No second places here. It just doesn't count it. You lose to me EVEN if I lose to someone else... It still makes you a loser to me.

Winning popularity contests just doesn't cut it. Unless you're a frickin' politician. Its skill that matters.. Unless you're one of them losers who think that its ONLY the connections that matter. Of course the people you know is important.. But, you shouldn't rely on it too much, on people, it takes more than that.. On other people. Its not them who's gonna get you to places. Its your own sweat and blood.

Sword of the New World

2007-02-23T17:35:00.000+08:00

I'm no gamer. I know that. I cannot play with the big boys who don't sleep and grind all day long. That's MMORPG's though. I'd race anyone on other games. But for the most part, I could safely say that I have taken the most out of the game than any other person who played it.

Stop and smell the digitally colored multipixeled flowers. I just wish more women would play online games.. Honestly, the level of testosterone online sometimes overwhelms me.. but then again.. there are a lot of boys out there.. who lack some.

I'd pwn ppl in pvp (same level group) but it doesn't mean i'd go rampaging through town asking for duels from the townsfolk. As long as there is man, there will always be war. But, there is a time and place for that.

"It's not a habit, it's cool, I feel alive
If you don't have it you're on the other side
I'm not an addict (maybe that's a lie)
I'm not an addict..."

Pressure: pressing down on me

2007-02-22T21:49:00.000+08:00

and so i walked.. always to the east. from times to casimiro just because you felt like scaring me with a ghost from your past which you told me (after making me walk) was nothing more than a lie. you just wanted to make me run for my life.

and so you want me to trust you. i can safely say now that i do. even if you'd make obvious lies. i am slowly learning to pass it off as a joke from you. i should give you credit for your sense of humor, it rivals my sarcasm. i am learning to smile again. and i want you to be the person to see that smile. cause its gosh darn pretty... pretty scary.

there are no second chances. they're just chances should we choose to take it. i went to alabang to see the first company i worked for, a call center (yes i am ashamed that i had to work in a call center.. my skills as a bscs grad have not reached their full potential because i took call center jobs all the time..) they said i need not be interviewed again if i wanted to go back and work for them. i just need 2 letters. one from me and one from my supervisor/hr of the branch i worked in. simple enough. and i'm back there. paying.

and i do. i'd take it. risk it all again.

the only thing better than falling in love is falling in love all over again with the same man. changed in some ways.. but inside is still the same man. a mystery as to why, and you know what, i am perfectly fine with it.

i have never felt so tired and my feet has never felt like they're gonna fall off soon. thank you for making me feel human again.

i totally enjoy it.

just for the record: alabang festival mall vans are KUPAL and should be avoided at ALL COSTS. if needed to go back to dasmariñas really fast, use the grand terminal.

grand terminal pwns noob vans at festival mall.

and so it ends. my incessant ramblings for today. i guess i haven't really felt alive for the past year. and it feels wonderful. to be alive again.

"Do or die
You'll never make me
Because the world, will never take my heart
You can try, you'll never break me
You want it all, you wanna play this part
Won't explain or say I'm sorry
I'm not ashamed, I'm gonna show my scar
Give a cheer, for all the broken
Listen here, because it's only you
I'm just a man, I'm not a hero
I'm just a boy, who's meant to sing this song
I'm just a man, I'm not a hero

Anxiety: isolation does that to the mind

2007-02-18T19:48:00.000+08:00

anxiety

now i have a word to describe how i usually feel every time there is something bothering you that which you choose not to tell me about.

I don't need a reason

2007-02-08T18:15:00.000+08:00

So like, who cares? I will not be bound by the laws of mortal understanding. I do what I do and I have nothing to prove to anyone else but myself.

I will not be bound by pesky things like the day of the week.

Go where the wind takes me.

Drama? yeah so what? I find it better than to be bound to this earth. A prisoner of norm. Confirming to what people expect from me. Irresponsible? It matters not. I prefer to call it freedom of choice.

I no longer care of the existence of those who contraDICK my thoughts. Its not my problem. It's theirs because they're too narrow-minded. (Although, I prefer to call them DIMWITS)

But hey, that's life, you gotta share this planet with the other human species. I'm just happy for the existence of animals. Makes this place a little more like home.

Reality Bites

2007-02-07T22:38:00.000+08:00

So.. like.. who would have known.. that this is their true nature?

http://www.deviantart.com/deviation/25720126/

What if i run out of things to sell?

2007-02-07T21:42:00.000+08:00

you have a few more days in the gregorian calendar to find another girlfriend/whore before valentines day to become your garage sale. because i ran out of things to sell to you. personally, i think you'd be as pathetic to find another old friend confide in her your problems and feelings about me then go fuck her after a month or two(took a year for me though, guess i'm not that pretty)

and since sawa ka na, i have nothing more to offer.

congratulations, you have your life back. call it depression, inspiration? whatever dude. point is you can now write your swansongs again.

those are but excuses because you have issues. a lot of things you cannot say to people to their faces that's why you blog.

and what's worse.. you remain anonymous.

big fucking surprise.

just like your old friends, you are a coward. you cannot tell people how you feel to their faces because you are scared of what they may or may not think about you.

moderate this comment all you want but it remains to be read. by all of you.

i may be lonely but i wouldn't go through lengths to find an old friend in the internet then end up in bed with her.

i am not angry.

i am furious. because now that i have nothing more to sell... i am useless.

hiding behind the anonimity of the word

2007-01-15T17:28:00.000+08:00

you do have a name don't you?
why hide it?
scared?
of what?
the world?
why?

stop accusing me of not caring. its a flaw. i have trouble showing care to humans. because it goes unnoticed anyway. under-appreciated? nah.. i don't like long words.. they get misunderstood all the time.

i just wish that i can take the blame for everything as long as it makes everyone HAPPY.

*everyone does not include me because i.. am INSIGNIFICANT. i'm just the scapegoat.

sweet sixteen

2007-01-03T07:02:00.000+08:00

why does it always seem to feel as if everytime i start to enjoy something.. it almost always gets crappy remarks... and sarcastic side comments?

am i not allowed to at least SHOW i'm having fun PLAYING? should i always feel guilty when PLAYING?

is it because i have bigger responsibilities that i have to attend to first and finish completely before i am finally allowed to PLAY in peace?

getting off my chest

2006-12-26T21:01:00.000+08:00

the story ends

Happy Holidays you bastard

2006-12-24T01:16:00.000+08:00

it has been four months now since i left the old house in makati. i never planned on returning. i am torn. i feel torn.

i always wanted to have nothing to do with anyone especially my clan. do not mistake it for hate. because i do not hate them. i just do not like having the responsibility... no.. the obligation to do their bidding, to live by their rules, to listen to their reprimanding, even if i do owe them my life.. my life and much more.

i always wanted to live like a vagabond, wandering through life. going to places. having time for myself. being my own master. but i guess i have to earn all of that first. or at least the money to spend on my "adventures", on my "accidents".

but why is it. everytime i see a real family.. a family who looks like they love each other.. why is it i hurt? am i lonely? why is it i feel unloved? why is it i feel forsaken? why do i suddenly feel envy. why do i want to feel something similar.. even superficial?

all my life.. or at least as far as i can remember, i have always seemed.. cold, and unfeeling. i have always seemed independent, especially of my parents(or at least my father because i lost my mother when i turned five) i do not show feelings.. no emotion not even anger. i do not show.. i make sure nobody sees. but.. i feel. even if i did not want to.

i cannot count the number of times i convinced myself that i am happy alone and i hate being mushy and shit... but why is it when i am alone? why do i cry?

why is it i show no tears when i am wounded? even if the pain is tearing me apart?

wtf is wrong wif mi?????

fear?

2006-12-21T20:14:00.000+08:00

yes.. i know fear. the fear of being alone is strong in me. i am not prepared.

Free for all

2006-09-15T20:22:00.000+08:00

i miss reading about me. then again how can i? when i've been here all along? what would you do.. where would you be without me?

you tell me hundreds of times.. but.. why does it always feel like you're free for all?

big fucking cliche: "i bet that's what you say to all your women"

maybe i have been watching too many james bond films. making even the lamest pick up lines work.. but the woman would always say that big fucking cliche.

now i'm pissed. i need to play DotA.. not warcraft III the frozen throne

i'm so godam pissed. where the hell are you? i bet somewhere whoring around..

Pieces of Me

2006-09-11T15:19:00.000+08:00

Pieces by ~mooglemancer on deviant ART

link to my deviantart page.

too lazy to color it~

And i find myself coming back to you

2006-09-08T15:07:00.000+08:00

my one and only you~

last summer.. was the most painful summer i ever had in my entire life. i gave up things i wanted all along and let someone else take them...

i learned to sing songs i never thought i'd sing. i learned pain i never thought i would ever feel.

the cold and hard shell i live in is nothing but an excuse for the pathetic little girl that i am. weak.. insecure.. indecisive.. beneath this metal body beats a heart.

a heart that is scared to be taken for granted. hiding behind all that violence.. and all that ice.

Kahit na sabihin na naliligo ka sa sampal
Di mo masasabi na hindi kita minamahal...

Pero mahal kita
wala ng hahanapin pang iba
handa kong magtiis
kahit na
away,away,away na to...

DIE!!!

2006-09-07T01:17:00.000+08:00

been wanting to scan this for a long time now... i did this post betreyal era around the time that i was in training for peoplesupport.

i wasn't really listening to the instructors and opted to take my time drawing. and it turns out i did the right thing ^_^

this one turned out more beautiful than wha ti expected

~

i hope this can be colored.

Can't we try

2006-08-31T16:17:00.000+08:00

so much for LSS. on my way home i heard this song playing on the radio. and all i could say was thank god the driver isn't listening to THAT station.

then i realized, it has been a while since i last listened to the radio. i've been too busy running away from my life and the ghosts of the past.

how do i face the music then? tell me?

"So many times I've tried to tell you
You just turn away (How did I know)
My life is changing so fast now
Leaves me lonely and afraid
(Don't be afraid no)

Can't we try just a little bit harder
Can't we give just a little bit more
Can't we try to understand
That it's love we're fighting for
Can't we try just a little more passion
Can't we try just a little less pride"

for someone who abhors hypocrisy

2006-08-31T15:12:00.000+08:00

you sure are one...

Lost

2006-08-30T13:19:00.000+08:00

to put it as blunty as i can:

last friday, i lost my celphone. it hasn't been a year yet since i got it and its already lost.

but the funny thing is, how everyday that i had it, i always said to myself how much i don't really need it and how much of a hassle it is for me to actually keep it.

and now that i don't have it. i feel like the thin line connecting me to the outside world... has snapped and i am floating adrift time and space, where no one can reach me, where no one can hear me.

the sad part is i was exchanging SMS's with my father(who doesn't normally msg me that often) that night that i lost it. that fateul friday night.

on a lighter note... i'm now... hmmm... UNTRACKABLE. no one would instantly know my whereabouts. the device that lets them check my current location is gone. but not me. i will always be here. drifting. floating. its just the phone that's lost. i will always be here.

you will see me again someday.

And so it came to pass

2006-08-30T04:47:00.000+08:00

after a week of hiatus.

i went back to speak to the almighty ER. lo and behold i am still affiliated. i must speak to the next in command so procure my position in the group.

here i go.

Is this goodbye?

2006-08-17T18:15:00.000+08:00

i missed two days of work because i was in a bad condition. i was not healthy enough to attend work for two consecutive days.

the first day, i screwd up real bad.. i called in late. the second.. i called in 2 hours earlier which was the right thing to do for the situation.

but the truth is my body was alright. it can go to work. the problem lies in my mind. its too... RESTLESS.

so.. will this end?

ISCAMMMER~

2006-08-16T12:46:00.000+08:00

bakit ganun?

just when you really need a f'kin TAXI, they refuse you?

just when you thought you can go to places, you sudenly find yourself trapped inside the train with your face pressed against the door. god knows whose' hand that was..

T_T

this is fucked.

I'm afraid of Britney Spears

2006-08-14T10:03:00.000+08:00

To spear or not to spear?

that is my question...

i recently reached SPEARMAN status. and when i said recently.. i meant a few mintes ago. and this is the only screenshot i got out of it~

pathetic ain't i?

but as far as the question goes...

i'm going to use the spear.

i'll be maxing out my spear mastery skills because when i become a dragon knight.. i'd be relying on Buster as my main attack.

since buster is using purely STABBING attacks... then.. i guess i'm going to be stuck with my spears for a while~

hit meh beybeh one more time~

The beginning of a life

2006-08-13T16:04:00.000+08:00

the cat just gave birth to 2 kittens. only one survived.

i can't blame her though.. this is her first litter. she's not quite sure of what to do yet. imagine her pain.

i don't wanna.

Mga lata~

2006-08-13T15:09:00.000+08:00

i, a ~~loveleh~~ lowly Corite Masseuse, commend you. For your Unity. For the Love. For the WIN.

i attended yesternight's Accretian Grand EB. being a Corite, i was half-expecting hostilities. to my surprise, these pieces of metal are actually friendly.

the first "lata" i met was BrainShock (i hope i got your name right dude~)we stood for a few minutes outside the cafe before we succumbed to the urge of going inside and taking a look.

i found my old classmate from highschool. Morrigan. Tukneneng. it has been a while since i last saw her. but nothing much changed.

it was the first ever RFonline EB that i actually went to. and i am not really surprised that they occupied the entire shop. well, occupied is not really the term. more like... OVERRUN. Phoenix Cafe was literally overflowing with "accretians"

well. it shouldn't really surprise me since 49% of the entire game population is from Accretia.

i'm just envious, seeing as how the group believed in their leader, Restless. it was no wonder they've been pwning Chip Wars for quite some time now.

my race is far from perfect.. but i can dream can't i? i just wish Cora would get themselves a "great" leader again... SOON.

i still haven't gotten around

2006-08-11T11:43:00.000+08:00

to "fixing" the code for this layout. i seem to have messed up the script somewhere~ but i'm liking this layout~ riot did a good job.

i'm just too lazy today~ i'm not in the mood.

i was caught sleeping again in class last night~

although i don't really think i missed much because it was a QA talk. i still have today to catch up~

broke~

i'm broke but i'm happy..

Contemplating

2006-08-10T14:48:00.000+08:00

on a new layout for a blog...

or ripping off someone else's work. just like the rest of them~

on romance and bullshit

2006-08-09T09:45:00.000+08:00

it is inevitable that i would one day speak of it. romance~

what is it anyway?

well.. wordplay is not something i am very good at. because words mean bull.

romance to me is this and this... and this... and this.

all of which you can find here.

but at times can be found here.

if you accept surrender

2006-08-08T09:38:00.000+08:00

i'd give up some more~

if anything

2006-08-08T09:29:00.000+08:00

could ever be this good~

you think you know me

2006-08-08T09:14:00.000+08:00

go on~

pray tell~

who am i?

a simple thank you won't suffice?

2006-08-08T08:59:00.000+08:00

why?

grinding

2006-08-07T12:17:00.000+08:00

why can't i grind like the rest of them?

my patience can only take as much.

Tikoy has recently reached level 38 thanks to her guild~

UPSELLING~

2006-08-05T10:18:00.000+08:00

just finished a crash course on how to sell. i didn't like it one bit.

i don't like selling actively, i don't like misleading people into buying shit they can actually live without. its bullshit. espcially if you live in america. its not a walk in th park. that place. you have to work at least 10hrs a day there to live as comfortably as you do here working 8-9hrs.

big deal. you say. its just one hour. what difference does it make?

ONE HOUR.

that big a difference. there are a lot of things you can do in one hour.

make the most out of it.

what the hell are you waiting for?

2006-08-03T09:08:00.000+08:00

sleep? a miracle? jesus christ?

well.. not so soon~

does this look sleepy to you?

i just woke up! 2 hours of loveleh sleep and i'm a happy bastard again~

ooh baby do you know what that's worth~

2006-08-02T09:23:00.000+08:00

Ooh heaven is a place on earth
They say in heaven love comes first
Well make heaven a place on earth
Ooh heaven is a place on earth~

today is my mother's death anniversary. she's been dead for a whole 18 years now~
and i'm off to watch a movie tonight with my boyfriend~

i tear my heart open

2006-07-31T12:42:00.000+08:00

just to feel~

but, is it really necessary? to subject the one you love to pain, just so they can feel again?

Expiration DATES

2006-07-31T01:56:00.000+08:00

walking aroudn teh mall, he couldn't help but notice a pair leaning near the railing, the boy's arms were wrapped around the girl. when most people saw "awww SWEET~" he saw "a boy with his arms around his girl"

but what i saw was, an expiration DATE.sure, it would be nice to hug someone, but in a place like this at a time like that~ w00t, i could be doing other things like walking around, talking, looking at the world. observing life. making time count. gathering memories~ and not locking myself in the grasp of the man who supposedly loves me.

trivial.. too trivial~

or maybe there isn't really an ounce of romantic blood inside me.
maybe what runs in my veins is, indeed, GASOLINE.

"So when will this end
It goes on and on
And over and over and over again
Keep spinning around I know that it wont stop
Till I step down from this
"

fruits of thy labor

2006-07-29T05:07:00.000+08:00

hit meh~

dicslaimer

2006-07-26T09:51:00.000+08:00

"what i didn't know, is i was killing you, i said a lot of things that i didn't mean to~"

about words. about words that come out of my foul mouth. about words i say. about plans i make. about promises i break.

my word is not the absolute truth. i make plans. i do. then they don't push through. but thing is, i only speak of plan a-c.. regardless of the existence of plan up to z. its called murphy's law. if things can go wrong, they will. it keeps my feet firmly on the ground even when my head is in the clouds. i am fully aware of the fact that i have no control over anything in the world. all i can do is constantly adjust to my surroundings. and hold on. and do something about it. do what i can. things will change, eventually.

why am i so scared to

2006-07-25T22:57:00.000+08:00

lose your favor, milord?

i wish i knew my child.. i wish i knew.

*sobs* all i ever wanted was your approval...

you always had it. can't you see it? you always had my approval.. i always had high regard for you my child. always. it never ebbed.

then why am i so scared?

perhaps you're scared of loneliness. all of us are. but it's alright, i am here.

but i thought.. i thought you weren't.

i am... but it never shows.

...

why does this week seem to

2006-07-25T09:47:00.000+08:00

drag on..

i hate morning shifts.. morning shifts is for the weak.

i'm missing my 10pm to 6am shift. this fucking blows...

i hate the rain.

i hate bloodlines. people blame blood for things that happen. blame isn't meant to go anywhere but deep inside all of us. so we can do something about it.

Epifany

2006-07-25T03:04:00.000+08:00

is now level 24

thanks to the friends she found:

Izumii
ryli3
SummonWizard
jesse4444

thank's for the help ^_^

not only is she stronger now.. she's also richer by thousands of mesos ^_^

West Side Story

2006-07-24T10:11:00.000+08:00

"hi, my name is MARIA, how may i help you today?"

that's my spiel now at work. it used to be "my name is KAYE/KATRINA" but it just doesn't cut as much as MARIA.

although, my people call me tikoy outside o phone calls.

because the tikoy is rare. they will remember that name.the probability of someone else in the building having the same name (tikoy) is less than 1%. it gives me even more pressure now, to perform better at work so as not to compromise the sanctity of the hallowed name of the TIKOY.

"remember my name?"

breakfast at tiffany's

2006-07-22T15:49:00.000+08:00

and WEEKENDS @ wacha's

been a while since i last went to this place and actually played with my RFO account (not the test server, and NOT maple story).

i've decided to powerlevel today. but as fate would have it, my game load ran out. tough luck. it'd prolly be a long time before i play with that account again. but hey, the wait is well worth it.

2006-07-20T11:15:00.000+08:00

Voluptuous~

that's the last thing i ever thought my classmates would call me.

unless of course they mean voluptuous as in fat.

2006-07-19T04:45:00.000+08:00

HOMOPHOBIA

so there was this boy... and there was this other boy.. and they were NOT gay. but i heard them talking about this other boy who everyone knows is gay. so i inched closer to hear their conversation. they noticed me listening in so they asked me to join the discussion. which was mostly me asking them questions about this gay dude they feel very uncomfortable hanging out with. and the bottomline was. this gay dude tried to grab this boy i was speaking to and tried to hug him. "he's a perv" said the boy who almost got grabbed by this gay dude. and i just raised an eyebrow.. "maybe... just maybe..."

then came breaktime. lunch. i had lunch with the other group of people in my class. then this other guy asked me to go to the lung center with him. i said "i don't smoke, man.." and he said "it's alright you're just coming along for the conversation." we went to the lung center and he opened this topic about the boy i was speaking to earlier and the guy who tried to grab him. it appears that the prior weekend he and that guy who tried to grab the one i spoke to earlier had a drink together with the other batchmates. and the grabber gay dude kissed him that night. "..creepy" i was just staring because i know the guy i was speaking to now, the one who asked me to the lung center, is definitely gay. a gay dude and another gay dude kissed him. so he is a perv after all.

i guess i do live in a colorful world. i just needed to open my eyes and listen to the sound of nature taking its course.

letting boys be boys.. and letting gay dudes be gay.

"let me know the truth~ let me know the truth~"

2006-07-18T13:38:00.000+08:00

Miming Chronicles II

i'm warming up to my officemates now, i'm talking to them now. i find it easier than keeping to myself and being an ass. of course i'm still being an ass but only to a certain extent.

i have quite interesting classmates with stories to tell. i love stories. for now i got none. i'm tired. ever since working again i've been sleeping a solid 6hr a day schedule and i'm fine with it.

its all good. i never imagined i'd be enjoying the company of my officemates. this is actually a good thing. because i tend to quit my job because of INTENSE loneliness.

now, i can safely say i'm coming out of my shell. i'm happier now. i know i still run the risk of getting dissapointed but i'm keeping my emotions in check all the time now.

i don't need to be too attached to them because my friends outside keep my loneliness meter at an all time low.

"...at a point where we both know that leaving the other will never be an option"

why the world needs superman

2006-07-17T11:46:00.000+08:00

or

the divine existence of me~

i just got back from Don Bosco because my shrimp cousin forgot his PE uniform here at home. i had to teleport there before lunch and deliver his items.

my existence is a blessing.

i'm not underappreciated anymore. i feel needed again.

because there are idiots who forget what really matters because of stupid emotions. i am again needed. to knock some sense onto what little excuse they have for a brain.

its tough to be this smart without being judgemental. i'm happy i can still explain things even if i don't have to.

hah.. it feels great to not answer to anyone. i feel free. bound only by the laws of nature. laws of man my ass.. i am no man. i am something beyond human understanding. i am the tikoy!

this is arthur

2006-07-16T05:13:00.000+08:00

say hi arthur =^.^=

if you walk out on me~

2006-07-15T21:42:00.000+08:00

i woke up with an uber headache kaninang umaga. to the sound of a voice i didn't expect to be waking me up on that day in that bed.

i saw him standing on the doorway and said hi and walked up to him. heh, i got caught sleeping in my office attire, i didn't bother changing clothes when i got home last night because i was godam tired. he asked me to go with him to the mall and i said sure. so i went to the bathroom to freshen up and get rid of the bagong gising look complete with muta and laway na panis.

so we went to that place called a mall. O_o and searched for the almighty jamaican patties. but it was lunchtime and i guess we were hungry, so we ate japanese fast food. then went on to look for the glory of the jamaican patty.

after acquiring some(actually a boxful) we went on to the fork in the road at ayala/buendia. he needs to take the almighty patties to his hometown up in the mountains and i need to go back to my village and rest up because it was exhausting to walk that far. surprisingly enough my feet didn't hurt. a great big steed called "the bus" stopped in front of us and before he boarded it he planted a farewell on my cheek, which was weird because as much as possible we never show emotions especially in public. people might mistake us for something else.. something.. weak. so i went on my way and headed to the direction of my village.

back home, i was really tired. i tried to do laundry but i ended up just soaking the clothes, i'll go finish the laundry tomorrow. then i fell asleep back in that room. no more wake up calls for that day.

epiphany~

2006-07-14T22:52:00.000+08:00

i wanna be hostile but i couldn't bring myself to give in to that feeling. it kinda sux . because i'm starting to warm up to the people i'm going to be working with. the irony of everything, just when i start feeling comfortable around them, we all had to go our separate ways. we were assigned to different shifts and different accounts..

i hate feeling. i hate having to feel. because it only gives me even more dissapointment.

but as always, being me, i am optimistic. i can survive alone in the office.. i'm just hoping i still have friends outside of that office. ready to listen to me...

friends who would understand what its like to not have friends anywhere. friends who would talk to you. who would be there. or just smile. it makes me happy to see my friends smile.

i realised that i am not a loner, i like being surrounded by people, i like talking, but not to as many people. crowds scare me. but going out with a few friends, makes me feel good. one friend at a time, or maybe two or three.. anything more than that, i get uncomfortable. group becomes too big to pay attention to. and when i pay attention, i make sure i pay full attention. because i know how it feels like when you think that the person you talk to isn't really interested in what you're saying or isn't interested in making you uderstand what they're saying. it hurts. it makes you feel unimportant, unloved. but when you see that they're actually paying attention to you and your needs, its like dying and going to heaven, or what i'd imagine heaven to be.

i just got home from the office and i had a lot of coffee. i can't sleep so i'd end up blabbering nonsense again. but hey, its why i blog. so i can vent my frustrations when i'm frustrated. so i can express happiness when i am happy. and to release the rage that builds up inside of me.

i may not be the smartest person alive but i know that everyone needs someone to talk to. someone to listen to. but i cannot expect those people to be there for me 24/7 because they, too, have their own lives. so i have this. somehow, i no longer feel alone. because i know you are reading this. whoever you are. thank you for paying attention.

oh what will i do now, with all this time?

the tikoy is landed

2006-07-14T13:03:00.000+08:00

MIMING CHRONICLES:

tikoy is pantut. she is introduce herself to her new officemates as tikoy. no longer kaye or katrina. because the tikoy is what she is called by her friends and she wants the office to be frienleh to her as well. she hath brought today a camera and try to steal shots of her wonderful new office and officemates.. i jus hope "jun matsumoto" wouldn't run off when he sees me with my camera ahahahahaha!

tikoy is on mission to take his picture for show en tell!

tikoy GANBARE!

just when

2006-07-14T10:09:00.000+08:00

you start to make friends and form ties, something happens that forces you to be away from each other.

i'm talking about a new friend i made at work. he has to leave for the states because he cannot get a refund or a reschedule for his flight to san diego with his family for a month long vacation his brother had planned after his graduation.

oh well~

that's why i hate making friends. i become dependent on their existence. i guess this is what makes me human. and weak.

maybe i'd bring a camera to werk today and shoot something ^_^

i wanna capture a lightning bolt tonight before i go home. heh.. good luck to me.. hehehehe... i'd upload it as soon as i take a shot at it.

i'm joining the photography club here at work.. either that or the airsoft team. personally i'd prefer the airsoft team because, photography is.. kinda well.. its something i like doing alone or with a few close.. like really really close eat together bathe together sleep together kind of friends.

if only i can afford airsoft gear.. i think the gun club would teach me more than the photography club.

life i guess.. happens to all of us.

but hey, i like challenges. i may not pull through most of them but i sure as hell do try.

speak now or forever fall to pieces~

2006-07-13T09:39:00.000+08:00

"I can't ever deny this
This gift you won't hide
This scene that we're in together
The story of our lives
Broken, lover
Tears flow, endless rivers
One love, one heart
Still we won't sever"

time has become something i barely have right now. being used to having all the time in the world is kinda stupid. now i need to rush things because i haven't the time to do anything, and now i'm using it up to write here. i can barely see my friends now. and i miss them. i miss you. i miss listening to music.. i miss the sky.. i miss the stars.. and Elune.. my Elune.

time is a luxury. so if you ever had something you wanted to say. start talking.

because time is not in my hands. sadly i cannot buy it either. even if i had the money for it.

i may change.. i may get anything i want.. but my soul knows where it belongs. and it will always lead me back to you. do not underestimate me, my friend. i'm not like everyone else. my will be done, so mote it be.

chivalry is dead

2006-07-12T22:54:00.000+08:00

"at least i thought so..."

i was walking home this night after my shift ended at 10pm and the winds were howling and the clouds are threatening me with rain. the winds were beating my tired body. i almost fell into a puddle of mud.

so i walked until the graveyard on the way home when it suddenly started to rain. i walked faster but it just rained harder. at the end of the graveyard, there was a tavern(actually it was a bar/lounge/karaoke) and of course there was a waiting area there that was at the very least sheltered from the rain. so i just stood there, dripping wet. waiting.. for the rain to stop. then suddenly a waiter comes out of the tavern and asked me to come in because in spite of the roof i was still getting hit by rain water. i thanked the kind soul and stepped into the bar. he offered me a seat and so i rested my weary feet for a few minutes before he went out of the bar and hailed a cab for me and sent me on my way with nothing less than a smile.

i got home safe, wet, tired, but happy. after i thought i already lost hope in the kindness of humans, a stranger had to remind me that not all men are pigs. not all women are whores. not all humans are coniving manipulative opportunistic heathens. it has nothing to do with their gender nor their species. people do things out of their own will. there may be factors that affect their decision making but i will not discuss that because frankly, i know shit about that. so tonight i sleep with a happy heart and a peaceful mind. and a dream that the world isn't as bad as i thought it was. and that kindness will show its beautiful face amidst a dark and stormy night.

gawd.. i probably just looked godam hot that's why that waiter helped me out~ lolU hehe...

smile again~ arigatoo!

2006-07-12T09:39:00.000+08:00

the world is playing tricks on me...

you see a few weeks ago, my cousins/friends tried to force feed another useless "jdorama" into my precious head. hana yori dango... ugh...(cringes) starring arashi.

and well.. i got this batchmate from work sitting at my table bears an uncanny resemblance to japanese pop idol jun matsumoto... and its disturbing because he's the guy who played the lead role in hana yori dango.

i hate mind tricks. the world is cheating. CHEAP SHOTS are not counted y'HEAR!

walang pasok!

2006-07-10T14:38:00.000+08:00

"when i grow up... i'll be stable... when i grow up i'll turn the tables... "

went to the office around lunch to pass my requirements. oddly enough, no one told me that there's no classes(training) for today. so i went in full battle gear. 'twas all in vain because i went home after i gave them my documents and so i sit again in front of the pc.

T_T

wad else is nu...

tomorrow is always a new day

2006-07-09T14:23:00.000+08:00

"You're the analyst
The fungus in my milk
When you want no one
And you got someone
Through the wind
You crawl
And laugh at burning dunes
When no one else will
Ever see"

spent last night at the shoppe playing RFonline(i won't link because i'm not a link person -_-;)

barely had sleep then went back home here and watched the frikin sun rise. haven't done that in a very long time because i usually wake up after the sun hath risen high above the clouds. but since i haven't been sleeping yet. i was, err.. lucky? enough to witness another of nature's greatest gifts. LIGHT.

we were both tired and sleepy, but i figured i couldn't miss this view for a few minutes of shuteye. i wanted to bust open his eyes so he could see everything. but looking at his sleeping visage makes me think twice. he's tired let slumber fall upon this tired soul. this is my will. so mote it be.

beyond words

2006-07-09T05:14:00.000+08:00

"now what the hell does that mean?"

words are lies.

beyond lies.

truth.

the art of SCOFFING

2006-07-09T01:41:00.000+08:00

today i scoffed more than ten times i guess.. and for a person i think its not that healthy to scoff so often.

the need to write something.. profound?

2006-07-08T14:42:00.000+08:00

why do people have this need to write something profound, enlightening, or interesting in their blogs? why do people blog anyway?

oh wait, i blog.. i should know. well, my reason isn't as grand as other people's reasons. some people want to inform, educate, be artistic, update friends on what's happening in their lives.

as for me, i blog because i have few friends. and these people, i rarely talk to because of "separate lives in separate cities" and because i have trouble expressing what i really feel. no i'm not shy, i'm just INCREDIBLY sarcastic, about everything. i just don't really see the value of words in the outside world, because generally, people lie. so why bother, right? talk is cheap. true, i have friends and family and a love (or do i?), but well, i cannot expect them to tell me everything all the time, and once you withold information, its aready lying but only if that information has something to do with you, if it has the potential to kill you. what you don't know can't hurt you, but it can kill you.

but then again there are other ways for me to show people how i feel.. that's why i draw. and it makes me feel better. like drugs. O_o errr.. kitten huffing.

bottomline: my writing skills sux. my communication skills sux. the irony of life: i work at a call center.

u wan guild?

2006-07-08T09:24:00.000+08:00

a couple n00bs making a guild. lol.

no mesos jus master. he wan guild.

when crazy people go loose

2006-07-07T22:07:00.000+08:00

i wanted to be a doctor. then i found out i need to cut people and animals up and see their insides to get through med school. so i decided not to. my cousin though, was a different story.

bottomline, i didn't go to med school.

sugar we're going down

2006-07-07T15:19:00.000+08:00

"We're going down, down in an earlier round
And Sugar, we're going down swinging
I'll be your number one with a bullet
A loaded God complex, cock it and pull it"

an old song again, and i find myself reading the lyrics for teh very first time. i've had it with misheard lyrics -_-; its too godam embarassing. even when there's no one there to hear you actually make a fool of yourself.

i'm no internet junkie.. i just found out.. that there are people who make it a point to actually comment on other people's lives. other people they wouldn't even care for if they actually knew them. but see.. they only SEEM to care. you will never know who really cares. our own perceptions have a way of decieving us sometimes.

i've just had enough of this sentimental bullshit that seems to be clouding everone else's minds..

i'm not cynical. i'm not cold. and i'm in denial. but the thing is you don't care and i'm fine with it.

I WAN PQ!!!!

2006-07-05T18:06:00.000+08:00

MAPLE LIFE 2

true beauty comes from the heart...

so.. like.. where does true courage come from?

hah.. i'm not crying anymore

2006-07-03T09:54:00.000+08:00

so why don't we go.. somewhere only we know...

i find myself dancing again.. alone in the room.. the dorm... heh.. crazy woman..

i was able to finish reformatting the laptop and it works fine now. i have to return the oinstallers to arron tonight.. yay! i love my own funerals..

tangina mo joeeeeeeeeel!!!

2006-07-02T08:54:00.000+08:00

"i was already happy.. then you introduced me to panic at the disco -_-

so.. this is emo... jologs but i'm enjoying it.. thanks joel~"

last friday, i found out, this boy went to my house and brought me tulips.. the flower i love the most yet i was not there to recieve them. i was out.. flying with superman. i went home around midnight. i cannot expect him to wait for me. that long. someone from the house told me this boy went there twice. but he left seeing as i was not there.

"such a shame.. just when we thought we know where to find her.. she dissapears.. just when we thought we're the only one who has her attention.. it bites us in the ass.. just when we thought she'd always be waiting for us.. it appears she has a life of her own.. just when we thought we know who katrina is.. she evades our understanding of who she is. yet again.. she has ELUDED us."

back off!

2006-07-01T08:45:00.000+08:00

"i'll take you on~"

last night.. was far from romantic.. but.. seeing a face that beautiful, i couldn't help but swoon... and give in to the feelings. brandon routh... is HOT! i'd sleep with him any day. ^_~

now i find myself falling in love with superman again. i was a child once, collecting comic books.. drawing.. and i have had my share of superman back then.. but i did not love him as much as batman.. the movie last night. made me feel what its like to fly.. batman, is inside of me... whenever i go to rooftops.. i feel like batman.. but superman.. made me feel like i can fly. i'm starting to believe in myself again. i know it would be a cold day in hell before this guy actually asks me out.. but hey, a girl can dream can't she?
i know i'm no lois lane... because i'm even better.. i am katrina desipeda ^_^ headstrong!

will you follow me and keep me strong~

2006-06-30T11:58:00.000+08:00

nobody knows who i really am...
maybe they just don't give a damn...
but if i ever need someone to come along...
i know you will follow me...
and keep me strong~

and everytime i see your face...
the ocean heaves up to my heart...
you make me wanna strain at the oars...
and soon i can see the shore~

"unmei no huneoko gi nami wa tsugi kara tsuki e to watashi-tachi o sou kedo
sore mo suteki na tabi ne, dore mo suteki na tabi ne"

you and i both

2006-06-30T08:53:00.000+08:00

" loved~ What you and I spoke of.. And others just read of... Others only read of the love, the love that I love.."

just how important are words? if something was said aloud, does it make it true? if something was left unsaid.. does it make it.. UNtrue?

the past years.. i regret having said nothing.. having suppressed my emotions.. being too cynical. too stern.. too cool. no.. COLD. its no mystery that i fell in love. and i still am in love. but i never really embraced that fact. because love is a concept i never really understood. i believed my family loved me.. they fed me, sheltered me, clothed me, and educated me.. so far, that what love is to me. meeting the physical needs of the entity you claim to love. then i fell in love with a boy. he showed me the emotional side of it. i have never been this close to a human before. i have never been held like this by a human before. i have never spoke to a human like this before. no human has ever even tried to be this close to me. and actually said the words that would eventually mean the world to me. "i love you" words never really meant as much, so i was not one to express my feelings. and i was never really attuned to my feelings. all i know is that i want to keep this boy safe from harm, keep him happy, and keep him alive. that's how i knew i love him. having grown up with fairy tales, i belived in a one true love. so i figured maybe its this one for me. but i wasn't expecting anything, until the boy proposed marriage.. a couple of times.. and i was an idiot to refuse each and every single proposal. but i do not regret it. don't i? at least i'd want to think so. the boy left me. found someone else.. then got broken. threw away his heart.. yet i still love him. but, now i remain friends with the boy.. who is now a man. and as for me. i'm working on my life. i got a new job and i intend to keep it. i'll grow up someday. sooner than everyone thinks. and when i do, i'll finally get the courage to show the boy how i really feel. show him.. and the world.. that no matter what happens to both of us. i remain his and his alone. all this time i have been refusing the advances of other men. and will continue to do so until i am back where i belong. a place in the world.

"and i'm almost finally finally out of words~"

yakusoku wa iranai

2006-06-29T12:41:00.000+08:00

"there is no need for promises"

i just got back from an exam a while ago from a potential employer. another call center. but this time around i intend to keep the job they'd offer me, should i pass the final interview later 3pm.

if i do not sabotage myself.. i can go places. i know i can. i didn't know what held me back all these years.. maybe i'm just godam lazy T_T

no time for that now. i need money O_o

don't we all?

kotoba wa iranai

2006-06-28T12:13:00.000+08:00

"live like there's no tomorrow; laugh like you'll die today"

katrina, talk is cheap. there will be no more need for words, your words. you should not write about your life anymore. you'd end up lying anyway. living under the illusion that everything is under control, when it is not. trust me katrina.. you are a wreck.. you never controlled anything.

katrina, you need to grow up. fairy tales do not exist. they're diversions parents invented for children. to give them hope. to keep them hoping. but children grow up. like all humans do. hell, even animals grow up.

time to let go. of dreams. face it. out here... katrina.. you are nobody, no one can save you.. no one is out to get you.. you are insignificant. the only way you'd be truly alive is when you become a part of something significant. like a job.. an organization.. a church.. any group that the world deems significant.

do not throw your life away. someone will be sad. you do not want to be the cause of that sadness.. you never wanted to cause anyone pain.. you're just too godam irresponsible. you are running out of time, katrina.. out of options.

make the most of what little opportunity you have right now. don't throw it all away. refuse to live under that illusion. turn your back on death. you'll get there one day.. no need to chase after it.

life is like a boat

2006-06-27T14:11:00.000+08:00

"we are all rowing a boat of fate.. the waves keep on coming and we cannot escape.. but if we ever get lost on our way.. the waves would guide us through another day"

i have been watching this anime "BLEACH" about dead guys and stuff.. the song is infectious. plus, the lyrics are comforting. to say the least.

rukia.. kuchiki rukia.. i loved her.. until she became weak.. but even in her weakened state she still had nerves of steel. despite what everyone else thinks.. i still believe she's pretty. and she has loveleh hair. i could only wish i'd look that cool T_T

alas.. i can only dream..

i'm not an addict

2006-06-26T17:26:00.000+08:00

"It's not a habit, it's cool, I feel aliveIf you don't have it you're on the other side"

i remember a friend from years passed. he made me promise to never partake of alcohol again lest i do it in his presence. because i did a terrible thing to him. i made him bear witness to my drunk en nature. you see, when i am drunk, i tend to cast away fear. i become reckless in the process. i feel heightened emotions. it was the first time he saw me cry.. come to think of it.. it was the only time he saw me at my weakest.. yet most honest.

it was at the party held after the awarding ceremony at a classmate's house. everyone was there. me, my friends, my officers, my friends... i drank every glass handed to me. it was delicious.. and fun. i remember being very lively at one point then very quiet after that. i was running around.. hitting people.. throwing ice at my officers.. playing basketball with some others.. i remember constantly falling down.. crying.. running.. talking.. screaming.. singing like i own the place.. dancing like a stripper.. and then.. finally falling asleep on the couch. i distinctly remember seeing his worried face before my eyes closed. the last words i heard were his, calling out to my friends.

i woke up with my friends looking at me, wiping a wet towel on my brow, asking me if i was alright. i'm lucky i have women friends back there. they watched over me when i passed out. they said i had been sleeping for almost two hours and the party is over. they said we needed to go home, the others have already gone home. so i stood up and scanned the area, looking for him. but he wasn't there anymore, i figured the idiot probably passed out, too. "i'll just talk to him tomorrow at school" so i did not bother to drop by his house to thank him for calling reinforcements. so i went home.. threw up.. and went to sleep with a big ass headache.
at school, i saw him walking at the corridor on the way to his class. i ran to him and he said "hey, you're okay now" i said "yeah, thanks. i'm sorry for being a burden" he shook his head and smiled, "no, it was no big deal i had fun looking after you. just promise me one thing.. " "sure."
"katrina, promise me you'll never drink a single drop of alcohol, unless i'm there with you" so i nodded my head in agreement.

two years after that incident lone after we last saw each other. i broke the promise. one new year's eve, i drank to my heart's content. at first i felt bad for betraying that promise i made to a good friend. but i got over it when i saw him again recently.. he's changed alot and its like he's a different person. he's not the friend i once knew. i was heartbroken. but at the very least i did not feel bad about breaking a promise to him.

then last night.. the words that i never thought i'd hear again.. from the lips that kissed me and stole my heart. "katrina... don't get drunk ever" i said "i'm not drunk" and he said "i didn't say you're drunk now, i just said don't get drunk. just don't" this time around.. i intend to keep that promise.

the end of the line~

2006-06-25T19:53:00.000+08:00

" I know that you see the trees
Made of gold And I'll see the world war in your
Eyes unfold I know that you will be
perfect and mine When you see your world stop short
Of the end of the line "

its been a few days since i last said anything. but my silence means nothing. maybe i was just tired? maybe.. who knows. last friday i went to places i never would have on my own. it feels like an RPG. after a long hiatus, an old friend returned to me, and asked for a favor i could not refuse.. out of love, perhaps.. out of comraderie.. or out of brotherhood? needless to say, i went with him. i was like a child, gawking at anything i saw.. anything because frankly, that place.. is totally new to me. should he decide to leave me there.. i would never have gotten home. alive. but he didn't so i'm still here. i never knew QC was so big.. and.. well.. not as pretty as the place i'm from. makati. yeah there were buildings.. stuctures.. schools.. fast food.. mall.. trains.. buses.. cars.. blazing fast cars.. and buses that could have killed me if i wasn't really careful out there. but to me, it was hostile territory. after finishing his "quests" we went out to see a movie. its been a while since i went to see a movie. i enjoyed it. a lot. it was a long day. he took me back home and he left because dusk was upon us. and elune has not shown her face. it was dark and he needed rest as well. i tried to go to sleep.. but i found my cousin still awake on her bed. it has been a while since i last felt like this.. i told her all about my adventures for the day. i was surprised i didn't fall asleep at once.. i was tired.. but i was too excited. the adrenalin rush.. i never felt this rush in a long time. my feet hurt from all the walking but it was all worth it. i abandoned him once before.. but i will never again make that mistake. this time around, i take it upon myself to always look after his safety, in my own little way. heck i even go to church now.

i helped my friend finish his quests.. but i have yet to finish mine. my quests started a long time ago.. and everytime i try to get it, ifind myself failing each and everytime. and now. it scares me. my ass is broke. but then again.. it is just money... what i have right now.. is peace.

Maple Life

2006-06-22T08:30:00.000+08:00

"what can't kill me will only make me stronger."

today i met a few people who helped me take on challenges that i would otherwise be unable to perform alone.. yes.. i was on PQ the whole day/night/twilight/dawn.

it was the first time i set foot in that environment so my legs were still kinda shaky.. but my party members helped.. a lot.. yeah.. i'm their leader.. and they're my party members.. lol.. a n00b leading them.. and actually pulling through.

slime king was a pushover.. i had 2 asassins and 1 bandit in the party so it was kinda easy for them to take out the slime king.. the sins alone were enough.. all i had to do was speak to the fairies.

although my corporeal manifestation is reeking with disease, i still found my way around. it has been three or more earth days, i have been experiencing what seems like asthma.

i stayed with my doctor cousin for the weekend and it still haven't gotten better..

i still feel nauseaus every now and then and i still feel like my lungs are being torn from my chest. its painful but bearable. just like everything in the world..

it will pass.

fur elise~

2006-06-19T18:19:00.000+08:00

just got wanged~

i bought a flurry of cash only items for this game O2Jam and hell.. did i enjoy myself?

i bought for elise~ this loveleh loveleh song by beethoven.. heh. i was gonna buy it for my friends too but, i tont know how to.. so i just sent them other items..

i also bought 3 different hairstyles.

netgames is not a money hungry company like lug or mobius.. their items are really err.. no.. not cheap.. uber affordable. there.. not cheap but affordable.. affordable means its reasonably priced. reminds me of maple story

makes me wonder now.. what happened to my character there.. she's kinda in a coma. can't play here.. no other computer shop i play in has that game.. just webquest..

mental note to self: go to webquest once you return to manila.

mental note to self: dinner is served.

foolish games~

2006-06-16T12:41:00.000+08:00

"You took your coat off and stood in the rain
You were always crazy like that
I watched from my window
Always felt I was outside looking in on you
You were always the mysterious one with dark eyes and careless hair
You were fashionably sensitive, but too cool to care
Then you stood in my doorway, with nothing to say
Besides some comment on the weather
Well in case you failed to notice, in case you failed to see
This is my heart bleeding before you, this is me down on my knees
These foolish games are tearing me apart
Your thoughtless words are breaking my heart
You're breaking my heart
You were always brilliant in morning
Smoking your cigarettes and talking over coffee
You philosophies on art, Baroque moved you
You loved Mozart and you'd speak of your loved ones
As I clumsily strummed my guitar
You'd teach me of honest things
Things that were daring, things that were clean
Things that knew what an honest dollar did mean
So I hid my soiled hands behind my back
Somewhere along the line I must've gone off track with you
Excuse me, think I've mistaken you for somebody else
Somebody who gave a damn, somebody more like myself
These foolish games are tearing me apart
You're tearing me, tearing me, tearing me apart
Your thoughtless words are breaking my heart
You're breaking my heart
You took off your coat and stood in the rain
You were always crazy like that "

i love jewel.. she's cool..